the strangest things run through my head at night when i can't sleep...

my mother had breast cancer and i went through that, through her surgeries and she's fine. but its unsettling either way...the whole situation is. 

change of pace? ok.. remember when you did believe in Santa? there were no finals to worry about, in fact, your biggest academic related emergency was if one of the googolly eyes on your popsicle rudolph came off before you got a chance to hang it on the tree. change is supposed to be good but sometimes it just plain sucks. everything was so much easier ...well for us it was. i don't know how easy it is to be a kid anymore. 

sometimes, like tonight for instance, i can't wrap my head around my own existence. i know that sounds crazy, in fact, i know i generally sound pretty crazy on a regular basis. huh that would explain being #2 ... which ironically is another way to say shit, and that's what i feel like right now for lack of a more delicate term. 

oh, i wrote my last exam today. horray. i should be much more happy because i technically should graduate but for some reason i feel like i dropped the ball somehow and it's not going to happen. ... fingers are crossed until i get that damn letter about the stupid graduation i don't even want to go to. honestly, i really want to know why Kings finds it necessary to make their graduates wear white furred hoods on black capes!

so..the next thought ..or conclusion i've come to now, the thought that slaughtered my last feeble attempt to fall asleep. i am doing something that makes me the girl that is ... the loser? haha nice self-deprecating behaviour, that i clearly am no stranger to. my point is they choose another over me. it has to have something to do with my obvious lack of self identity..or confidence..something but dammit i am the girl that's placed second, which for the record is pretty much the same as dead last. i'm not really complaining, just trying to rationalize it in typing so it ceases to eat away at me. its just one of those middle of the night realizations that in no way can you escape. no matter how hard you try to hypnotize yourself by the oscillating fan,oh its there and its mocking you.

Livejournal is clearly the place I run to when I can't get to sleep...I’ve been sleeping well lately I suppose. 

Joe Cocker has the voice of an angel. Yes, in my heaven, there would be angels that sound like him. 

So, if one has issues with death they will find this incredibly morbid...and I’m not quite sure how many people actually sit down and ponder the particulars of the subject, I mean really do some serious pondering. I know there are a large few, but the average Joe isn't going to sit and contemplate what it is really like to die. Are they? It’s clearly a huge mystery because you don't know until you get there, if there is even a “there”. I’m not trying to sound suicidal, crazy, or anything but I’m not afraid to die. I mean if I were ever in a situation that could end in death, I would be scared no doubt. I just don't think I would be afraid of the dying.

 I just spent a lot of time not sleeping and thinking about this and I don't know where it came from. I might blame the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. So I can chalk my 'potential' lack of fear up to the fact that, of all things, it is meant to happen when it happens. I believe in fate. Not the it-was-fate-that-I-met-you-and-we-fell-in-love type because those people find themselves single in a matter of weeks (or so. Yes I’m bitter I get that). The fate I see is, the “every thing does happen for a reason” kind. It is inherent to want to know. Fate leads us to make choices. You learn or you don't. I haven't quite worked out the details of whether or not you are continuously fated to make right or wrong choices, it gets a little fuzzy when you try to really break it down haha. All I can say is, it is the philosophy I live by.

People get so worked up over the idea of your life being predestined by this unseen force (which, I will admit, does sound pretty ridiculous), but that’s just the thing, we have very little control over what will happen tomorrow. I guess I just seek comfort in the fact that when things happen, good or bad, it was necessary...for whatever reason.  

Maybe Im a coward, Im only scared of you
Or maybe Im just tired of living here

Im alive and Im aware
Of whats going on around here

cause Im a coward
Im neurotic
Im just tired of living in here
Im depressive Im obsessive
Im just tired of living in fear

Maybe my depression
Is all in my head
Maybe its my obsession
To feel sorry for myself

Im alive and Im aware
Of whats going on around here

cause Im a coward
Im neurotic
Im just tired of living in here
Im depressive Im obsessive
Im just tired of living in fear
Im a coward

Maybe Im a coward, Im only scared of you
Yes Im scared of you
cause Im alive and Im aware
Of whats going on around here

Im a coward
Im neurotic
Im just tired of living in here
Im depressive
Im obsessive
Im just tired of living in fear





so sick of this i could scream. i feel trapped. in my room, in my life. i don't know what i'm doing...i'm just waiting to be hurt. wanting to quit everything..except for school. i know i can stick that out long enough to graduate. this year has to be better than the spectacular C and two Ds... i only took three courses last term and that's the best i could do? not even close. my mom makes all of these excuses for me. i'm just lazy..and useless. basketball is a complete waste of time. life is a complete waste of time. i know it's bad this time because i consider things to be going pretty well, hell i'm even dating a guy that appears to be next to perfect. though i've thought this before...but i'm sabotaging it. pushing him away...he's too good, and i will end up too hurt , more hurt than every single time before. i know that's no way to live but being scared seems to be the only thing i can be lately.

Time won't stop. I can't change anything that has happened or what will soon come to pass. I just want to hold on to what I know. When my sister was still there for me. When my mother wasn't diagnosed with cancer.
All of this time I thought I had absolultely no idea who I was or where I was going. That may be true to some degree. What I do know for a fact is everything that I am not, and I just can't seem to get past that. 
How many drugs am I going to have to try to somehow get better? I don't even think I will be better. Those low points keep getting lower. Somedays I wish I was dead. I can't even explain actually how frightening it is to feel that way. What is wrong with me? I know it could be worse, trust me I do. It's something uncontrollable...for me, for now. 
I'm so god damn scared of everything that's going to change for me this year. I can't stop it and you can't ever go back.

anchors in reverse
lead us back to birth.

[	mood	|	cranky	]
[	music	|	this strange effect - hooverphonics	]

i am so lazy it's scary. i am capable of a lot more and i don't know why i can't push myself to acheive things, it's really irritating. i might go back to counceling but it's going to be difficult because i want to switch who i'm talking to...more or less, i think the guy i was seeing is a fucking idiot. all i did was talk..he offered no advice, didn't ask any purposeful questions..what the hell kind of help is that anyway?? what a weiner. haha i'm so judgemental it hurts. 

i will finally relax when my mom has her surgeries so i know she's going to be alright. it's going to be a difficult task trying to find the new normal within our family but it will be ok. there will be good to come of this..it's going to be weird for a while. my mom is a tower of strength, not saying she doesn't have weak moments, but she definitely has unfailing optimism. i know she's scared but it's healthy fear. i'm more worried about my father to be honest...he's taking it the worst out of everyone...i always knew cancer changes a family's lives, i just didn't realize how and how much.

i now get extremely upset over every breast cancer awareness ad. before, i would look at it like most people and pretty much ignore it like every other commercial or think it's a good cause and forget about it. to me, the words reverberate in my ears and my brain..it's like getting hit by a bus.